The answers to all your questions

I re-added a visit counting thingy to the blog a couple of weeks ago (it had been missing since I upgraged (special spelling from some pirate software my PU#2 bought in Cambodia, which reminds me of the Jabberwocky) the template a while ago).

I have noted with alarm some of the google searches people have been using to access my blog, and as a public service I think I should answer some of their questions:

Q. crazy stuff/crazy shit in bible
A. It’s mainly in Leviticus, although there is a fair amount of crazy shit in Exodus as well. And whatever John was on when he wrote the Book of Revelations – I want me some of that shit. But I did write about this in some more detail here.

Q. senator Helen Kroger
A. you’re aksing the wrong question. Unless you're Helen Kroger autogoogling. In which case, hi, and for goodness sake don't vote for bloody Guy Barnett's regressive Medicare funding amendments. You're apparently a woman. You should have some clues about women's issues.

Q. Melbourne Herald Sun death notices
A. They’re not available on line. Not even via factiva. I’ve checked, because I reckon they’re a laugh a minute. Did I ever tell you all about the one that ended with the lovely rhyming couplet “Mum, we loved you and we’ll miss you a lot, now caravanning in heaven, with Dad and Spot”?

Q. fuking doctors
A. You’ll probably find a lot more pornographic images of doctors if you spell “fucking” correctly. Mind you, the fact that this search term results in a page from my blog leads me to ponder the possibility that I may have a typo somewhere on the blog. So possibly I am in the position of a black pot calling a kettle husky hued.

Q. agane
A. This was how one n. molesworth, curse of st custards and gorila of 3B, spelled “again”, as any fule kno.

Q. why I itch with I eat bread
A. You’re probably gluten-intolerant, or intolerant of one of the other ingredients of bread. If it makes you itch, I strongly suggest NOT EATING IT. If you don’t eat it, you’ll stop itching. Duh.

Q. against abortion placard
A. Make your own damn placards.

Q. Ode to my nose
A. yes, I wrote one. It’s on the blog somewhere. I can write another one if you like:

O nose, you smell such things
as flowers my boyfriend brings
although it’s been about a year
since you had anything to smell in this regard, I fear
(despite occasional promises of posies
poor the Bekka has got no rosies)
Fin.

Q. Japanese sock glue
A. The Japanese use it, as the name suggests, to glue on their socks. It’s available online, here.

Q. Dr who neil gaiman hamlet
A. I applaud your excellent taste, but I think what you’re looking for is actually here. Although feel free to leave a comment about the hotttness of David Tennant. Is he not a fine specimen of manhood?

Q. Sarah Palin’s pregnancy
A. No really, it’s none of your damn business what she did when she was pregnant. Can’t y’all just hate her because she wants to shoot wolves out of a helicopter, and leave her reproductive choices the hell alone?

Q. alcohol hangover
A. yes, Virginia, alcohol will give you a hangover.

Q. dr who what happens next
A. your guess is as good as mine, buddy, but you’ll spoil the fun if you look for the answers on the interwebs. It’s like unwrapping your presents before Xmas.

Q. Kevin 07 tshirt
A. Kevin 07 tshirts are like, so last year. Build a bridge.

Q. try again later
A. "Answer hazy. Try again later" is one of the options the Magic 8 ball gives you. The Magic 8 ball is the modern equivalent of the Oracle at Delphi. And so much less messy than examining something’s entrails. Delphi was thought to be the navel of the earth, though, which always struck me as cool and also mystical. But who needs navels when you have a Magic 8 ball?

Q. overcoming a hangover
A. Time heals all wounds. Except fatal ones, clearly. And incurable ones, like spinal injuries. That's an odd expression when you think about it. Time heals some, non-fatal wounds. Others are incurable, or they kill you. Hangovers are generally not fatal, so time will cure them. But if you want something that works faster than time (hmm, interesting concept… can something be faster than time? How?) my field-tested list of hangover cures is here. Also, the Cure was a really good band until they started making utterly shite albums (the last three, I think it was) and Robert Smith got all self-referential with his lyrics. But Disintegration was the Best.Album.Ever.

Q. everything’s shiny captain
A. How good was that series? Why does everything good get cancelled? Also, Nathan Fillion is totally hot, especially in those tight pants. Mmm... Nathan Fillion... *drools*.

Q. Drink methyl alcohol
A. I really, really wouldn’t recommend it. That shit makes you go blind. Cough syrup is probably a good alternative (just make sure you don’t get a crappy kiddy one with no alcohol).

Q. Rocco shoes Malvern
A. They’re in Station Street, just near (quelle coincidence) Malvern station. They make shoes. They do a fine job. Two thumbs up.

Q. Sultan forsbacka
A. The latex version is excellent. Have been sleeping on for about three years now, no complaints at all. V comfortable. Plus they have a 25 year guarantee, so if it’s crap after ten years you can totally get a new one. And if you love those crazy Ikea names, check out the Swedish furniture name generator - I am a chest of drawers with a whole lotta extry krazy Ks in my name. Hugo is a bed called Hygo. Interestingly, my PU#1 is a table and my PU#2 is a chair... and my SU is the exact same chest of drawers as me... pooky.

I hope that covers everything. As the omniscient ruler of the universe (see sidebar) I do of course know everything (or at least everything interesting) so if you have a question that remains unanswered, leave a comment and I will answer your questions, my children.